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I wish I was a better writer so I could put everything I’m feeling into lovely verses or flowing dialogue for you. I’d love to let some of this paranoia go right about now and get straight down to business but that’s never been my style. I overanalyze and torture myself with minute details that mean nothing in the end anyway. I barely sleep four hours a night and just as I’m getting to that good part of the REM cycle it’s 6am and I’m half-waking up to the morning news on whatever channel had the best late night celebrity guest from the evening before. Inevitably my dreams get intertwined with the stories on the television and before I know it I think my comforter is trying to strangle me on top of a three story Brooklyn building and my cat is a pitbull trying to bite my feet off. I can’t entirely explain my mind or why I feel like my life is best explained with a metaphor of dried up leftovers in a sticky refrigerator but I can try to explain how I know life has a little more in it than what I typically give it credit for.
 
I came to the realization not too long ago that we are stamped in this life by the things we love. The fingerprints of the things we love are crawling all over skin all day long whether we’re aware of it or not. When I was young I remember loving things like tv shows, shoes, comfy pillows, and new CDs. Everything I consciously remember loving was materialistic. I saw no problem in this and probably figured that everyone felt that way. As girls I knew started taking an interest in boys and gave up all that we once thought was thrilling – singing along to Broadway show songs or learning to dance like Beyonce – I was left on my own to explore my pasttimes. Sure I found a young gentleman here or there that was “cute” or “funny” but nothing clicked the way it did for my friends. Being brought up on Gene Kelly musicals and Audrey Hepburn dramas, I was doomed to believe in the most artificial romantic love there is. I believed, very strongly, that nothing could live up to my expectations in real life so why even try? Coming from a childhood that was way too realistic for my liking I immersed myself in this imaginary world where the only place I could find an honest, all encompassing love was in a video store. I was worried at a very young age that I would suffer my entire life from a strange disorder or at least be obsessive compulsive.
 
Then I found something more beautiful than anything I could’ve imagined. Years ago it was popular to write in an online journal and share all of your personal information with friends. Although I never understood why someone would want to do that my best friend made me one against my wishes. Instead of using it to verbally defile classmates and write poems about how much I hate my parents because they grounded me for leaving a wet towel on the bathroom floor, I used it as a movie journal. I was too embarassed to actually have anyone I knew in real life as a friend on this silly online site so I took advantage of a compatibility option the website had. Pretty much the little computer hands would take a group of interests from your profile and match you up with a list of people you would possibly have something in common with from all over the world. I had never met someone online before and always imagined it to be rather creepy but I couldn’t control myself when a person from West Virginia with 98% similarity popped up on the screen. His name was Andrew and he was perfect in my 16 year old head. Writing to express our mutual love of Marvin Gaye, Jimmy Stewart, and Curb Your Enthusiasm felt strange at first but somehow I figured he’d understand – I mean we’re 98% compatible!
 
And we were compatible. We started talking online for months. Both of us were extremely shy, nervous, and loved Woody Allen so we decided to meet. It never once dawned on me that meeting a man five years older than me who was traveling from five hours away to meet me in the middle of New York City would seem crazy to anyone but apparently my mother found it odd. I was 18 and legal at this point so I didn’t understand what the big deal was. Yes, there was one time we were watching some TV and saw him as a defendant on Judge Judy but that was sheer coincidence (coincidence I thought merely proved we were supposed to be together). My family seemed to believe he was a murderer or rapist. Clearly this was not the case I would insist – I’ve been talking to him online every night! I couldn’t be detered even with thoughts of a grusome death or a fifty five year old pedophile walking through the train station. I knew in my heart it would be my 23 year old soul mate.
 
On the day we decided to meet I stood in exasperation. I wore an Annie Hall-like ensemble in the hopes that he would get the reference and waited for Prince Charming. I remember hugging my mother that morning like it was the last time I was ever going to see her. She may have even had tears in her eyes. Finally, after what seemed like four hours of me contemplating asking a security guard to stand with me and pretend he was my father, a tall, balding, young man with bad teeth and black Johnny Cash shirt started walking towards me. This sad, confused looking person was not at all what I had expected. He looked so… Southern?
 
“Andrea?”
 
Did I fail to mention our names were similar too?
 
“Andrew?”
 
“Yes.”
 
Oh god. He had a slight southern drawl mixed with something I took as British. My name never sounded as good as when it came from his lips – lips that were perfection. Seeing that my first impression was of surprise and confusion I don’t know why I took to him so fast.
 
“I like your Annie Hall outfit there. I didn’t know who you were at first but I still felt like I wanted to talk to you.”
 
Maybe that’s why.
 
“Yeah. I love your shirt. You want to get some coffee?”
 
“Yeah I just need to take my suitcase over to the hotel. Want to come?”
 
“Yeah.”
 
What?! I just offered to go to some stranger’s hotel room in a big city where no one can hear me scream against my better judgement all because we like the same movies? At this point I generally decided that I was going to a mental institution when I arrived home so I should make the most out of my final days of freedom. Coming from a family that is petrified of crossing the street alone this was all new territory to me. So we got a cab and started off to the Belnord Hotel on the upper West Side.
 
“You here for spring, Mister?” asks the prying cab driver.
 
We both look at each other.
 
“Yes. New York is beautiful in spring.”
 
He sounds like a movie character. He looks like Robert Downey, Jr. When he smiles it looks like he’s missing a tooth because it’s so far back… all these thoughts began racing through my mind. I wasn’t sure if any were good or bad. I just knew I enjoyed him looking at me with his big, sad brown eyes. An image I immediately knew would be etched into my memory forever.

At the hotel I sat quietly in a chair watching him. We felt so uncomfortable speaking that all we really had was awkward eye contact and slight smirks back and forth. I watched him neatly unpack several button down shirts and a portable CD player he immediately put on the nightstand along with three CDs he patiently dusted off and placed on top of each other. I was interested in this but what caught me off guard were his hands. He had long, slender fingers with perfectly even fingertips and veins that went seemingly down the front. I know it could sound any other set of hands but I had never been so appreciative of something so small before. His quiet presence and sweet disposition gave me time and grace to think about the tiny things I never thought of on someone else. Immediately I was loving the weird things like his chin burrowing in his neck if he bent his head down into the suitcase and the self conscious way he would run his hands through his thinning hair as if he was trying to get it to be messier than it already was. He looked so tall and capable yet all I kept feeling was loneliness radiating off him. I just wanted to hold him and tell him he could stay with me forever. He worked at Dominos back in Keyser, West Virginia and for someone so deep and withdrawn I imagined it was a difficult job to bear on a daily basis. I wanted to take him away. I had just started college several months earlier but in that moment I believed there was no place on earth I was going to get as unique an education as with him.
 
So I skipped a few days. That’s right. I stayed in New York for a week with this person I had just met and didn’t call a living soul to tell them. I felt like I had been carried off to a mind-changing cult. Everyday with Andrew was more confusing and delicious than the one before. We would dance in the middle of the Virgin Megastore in Times Square, find books for each other at Barnes and Noble, secretly buy each other gifts from the 24 hour CVS down the street, and try to fulfill his dream of buying the perfect pair of New York shoes to bring home with him (which we eventually found at a place called “Shoe Mania”). Thinking of going home to my little suburban bedroom with Mom and Pop hundreds of miles away from this amazing human being was unbearable. Suddenly I couldn’t imagine what my days were filled with before. Late at night we would get into bed, snuggle, and watch David Letterman. Andrew was like a little boy. He was never once rude, inappropriate, or aggressive. He would put his arms around me so tight that it made me wonder what it was like for him back home. Coming from a strict Pentecostal family I doubted he got the love and attention he needed. It was just more reason for me to be devastated when the Day came.
 
After seven days of no interaction with either of our families and no money left, he went took the morning train back home. On the way to Penn Station there was no funny cab driver talking about spring in New York, there were no awkward glances or silly giggles, just pure heartache. I couldn’t stop staring at his knee. It was literally impossible for me to raise my head and look in his eyes – eyes that I was possibly never going to see again. Yes, West Virginia isn’t across the world but an 18 year old college student from a paranoid New Jersey family and a 23 year old pizza man with a religious Southern upbringing never did sound right together. We arrived at the train station, still not looking at one another, and I had the most powerful moment of my life:
 
“You want to get breakfast, Sweetie?”, he asked me in that voice.
 
“Mhm.”
 
He then proceeded to a little coffeeshop within the station, picked up a cup and made me coffee. I watched him do this the way I had watched him unpack his belongings in the motel room that first day. He did everything so carefully and this time it was for me. No one had ever made me coffee in my entire life and he never even asked how I took it – he just knew. Somehow in this gesture I realized so much I had previously been lacking. This person cared about me in a way I wasn’t even old enough to understand. My feelings of immediate attachment to him were brought on by the innate understanding that love like that only comes around once in a lifetime – pure, innocent love. Before he got on the train he kissed me for the first time in the entire week. It was so shy, sweet, and lingering. We promised to talk even more than before and find a way to be together as soon as physically possible.
 
“We won’t be apart ever again after that.”
 
I would’ve believed anything he said. I felt confident as he walked away but the second he drifted out of sight I began to cry hysterically. This is of course the time I chose to call my mother. She thought I had been murdered and I assured that if I had been murdered I wouldn’t be able to call her. I was just brokenhearted. To this day I’m still wondering if there’s a difference.

DERISION

      I can’t believe you’re with someone else. Yes, it’s been awhile and I’m sorry if my lack of imagination insults you but I just have a difficult time believing you are right with her. No, I don’t want to see any pictures of you and her together, thank you. I think my heart has already done a few too many somersaults and I’m anxious to get out of this twisted playground. I can’t exactly hear about your little nicknames based off inside jokes I’m not a part of without picturing her skull bashed in with a crowbar. It’s a normal reaction, I’m sure. When I fall asleep, I only have images of her touching your face or looking at you with loving, bright eyes as she laughs at one of your corny jokes. I imagine you rubbing her back as you order a table for two at a restaurant and how you must smile when she says something cute. It makes me ache in places I didn’t realize I had.
          Of course, I’m with someone else too. He’s a very caring, considerate person unlike you. His name is Nate. And God, I hope that name stays with you in the way that girl’s name will haunt me for the rest of my life. Nate will take me to a movie, insist on helping me with my coat, and then want to chat in the car for three hours because he can’t bear to drop me off home. It’s a far cry from a man who refused to ever go out, didn’t believe in chivalry, and couldn’t utter a coherent word after 7pm. Nate abstains from alcohol, smoking, and gambling. I’ve been with him for two months now and can barely find a single vice to his name. It’s rather astonishing. Instead of just talking about going to the gym, he actually goes. Everyday. Sometimes he even has to delay dates because he’s making protein shakes and watching an interesting documentary on the Discovery channel (yes, there are people that still watch it). He cares so much about himself that it’s inspiring. Sometimes I can’t even believe that I found someone so unabashedly generous. I mean he could be anything in the world and he chooses to study Sociology in the effort to one day make a difference in the lives of the less privileged. What a guy.
            He’s not too bad to look at either. At six feet tall, he’s just the right height and his large blue eyes are always commented on by strangers. Old ladies love him. They’re always coming up to us to touch his dark, curly hair or compliment his shoes. He’s just got this old soul feeling to him. I guess the wisdom he’s amassed in only 22 years really provides some shock factor when you meet him. While discussing the Holocaust or world poverty, his two favorite topics, he provides such profound views that it’s hard to pry your ears away. When I first met him he was considering joining the Peace Corps but then he got a cat named Kiwi and things changed a bit. He talks often about how the cat has changed his house to a home and how much he enjoys the companionship of a feline. It’s really sweet. You should truly hear him talk sometime. It’s like poetry on a stick.
            Just the other day he insisted I join him at church. Watching a young Jewish man so at home in an Evangelical church in the middle of Iselin, New Jersey where women dressed in cheetah print dresses and large hats were singing gospel at the top of their lungs was one of the most invigorating things I’ve ever seen. “How great is my God? How great is my God? Ooooooh!! How great is my God? Sing it!!” they sang loudly and proudly. It made me tear up a little. At one point, he was even asked to get up and recite a poem he had created entitled, “Family Matters”. And it’s no coincidence: he actually enjoys powerful family television like 7th Heaven, Full House, and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. So okay, maybe he doesn’t like the things you and I used to share like snarky HBO shows and cheesy, gore-packed horror movies but he’s in a class all his own. I find out new things about him all the time and they never fail to stupefy me.
            If I was absolutely tied down and forced to think of something I disliked about Nate – although it would be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do – I guess it would be his lack of musical appreciation. Naturally, with all the other important issues on his plate, it’s too much to assume he would have time for such a trivial thing as music though as manager of a concert venue and aspiring music journalist, it does make me casually queasy. Nate and I actually went to our first concert last week at Hammerstein Ballroom. We saw my favorite band, The National, and Nate was just lovely. He smuggled in several oatmeal cookies and a book to keep himself occupied. I thought perhaps he would know that a concert atmosphere is the perfect time to loosen up and maybe even the right time to have an occasional beer or two but he stuck to his guns just like a real trooper should. Even when I insisted that I preferred to be in the front of the crowd closest to the stage, Nate managed to get a little reading time in with a small pen light he happened to have. I’m sure even you would admit that he has a pretty clever mind.
            “So… did you enjoy the concert?”
            “It was a lot different than the oldies concerts my dad used to take me to.”
“That’s nice…”
            But you know, he does try to take an active interest in what I care about as well. I recently caught him reading Rolling Stone magazine and I was thrilled to finally see his recreational side. Although I slightly believed it was in the wrong spot and he thought he was picking up Psychology Today, I was so happy. Of course I later found out he wasn’t reading about Dhani Harrison’s upcoming project or the new Bob Dylan bootleg album, he had found an article on the Minnesota senate race that had tickled his fancy. How charming, right? I truly believe I have found the one guy that would actually buy Playboy for the interview with Danny DeVito rather than the photographs of Carmen Electra. You have to love someone like that. He seems happiest when he’s curled up with a book, Kiwi the cat, and a mug of his favorite organic, herbal chamomile tea mixed with a Ginko Balboa pill. I actually brought him some coffee and hash browns one morning only to find out that he finds both of them to be extremely detrimental to one’s health. I guess it should be mentioned that his third favorite topic is dental hygiene. He almost broke up with me when he found out I haven’t been to a dentist since I was ten.
            I know you’re probably thinking Nate and I don’t have much in common at this point. Maybe you’re even thinking you and that girl seem far more compatible but I beg to differ, my dear. Nate and I both have Netflix, own peacoats, and enjoy the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. I mean, hell, how much more do you need? He doesn’t have to understand the appeal of Leonard Cohen or how good a gin and tonic tastes after a horrible day. It’s not necessary for him to understand why Dave Chapelle is so funny or our need for a cup of coffee every time we step outside. These things are so superficial. These things are just things. Things I shared with you that I don’t really expect anyone else to understand anyhow. Don’t think for a second that I’m over here wishing Nate was more like you. Your bizarre Southern/British accent got old after awhile anyhow. People tell me Nate sounds like a mixture between a sheep and Woody Allen and I find that to be delightful.
            Ironically, Nate knows someone that reminds me of you. When I first heard we were having dinner with a good friend of his I immediately assumed it would be a mathematician who likes to hike or a scientist with a penchant for knitting. Imagine my surprise when a young guy walked in with a slight slouch, acid wash jeans, and a Stone Temple Pilots shirt. His balding hair, big, sad brown eyes, and imperfect smile immediately made me think of you. The first thing he did was order a beer and later on excused himself for a cigarette. It felt strangely comforting to have bad habits around me again. His dirty Converse sneakers traipsed mud through the restaurant as he made his way back from the smoke and he quietly giggled in towards my hair when I mentioned it. During dinner, I couldn’t help but catch his eye a few times. We would both looked away and Nate never noticed a thing. After just a couple hours, I started to feel comfortable enough with him to touch his knee while I was laughing or grab his hand if I was saying something important. I just felt like I was with you.
            Whenever I find myself getting lost in my head with these empty thoughts of you, I just tell myself that there has to be something more. I tend to ruin a lot of things but I’m certain that I gave you everything I had. Nate asks nothing of me except my love. Sure, he’s a cornball and a little nerdy but I’m growing to appreciate that. Nothing is ever perfect. You and I certainly weren’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but I’m learning that there is more to a relationship than love. There’s timing and location and a million other elements that people fail to discuss because they just ruin the romantic notions they feed us in stories. As they say in Moonstruck, “When you love them, they drive you crazy because they know they can.” And even though it all works out in the end on film, is it worth it in real life? Good luck with the girl. I hope she’s just like Nate.

The Climate Crisis

It is difficult to believe that in 2009, many years after the first assertions that global warming was becoming a serious if not very grave reality for the planet, many people, particularly right wing extremists, still believe there is not enough evidence to prove global warming is even a threat.

In Steven Milloy’s opinion article entitled “Al Gore and Venus Envy”, written for Fox News, Milloy claims that Gore’s observations about CO2 in the atmosphere  are laughable. In fact, he starts the article with the phrase, “Al Gore has a new argument for why carbon dioxide is the global warming boogeyman – and it’s simply out of this world (1).” Milloy keeps this sarcastic tone throughout the piece by exaggerating claims made by Gore in a speech given for the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in January 2009 regarding Venus’ carbon dioxide charged atmosphere.  As Milloy states, “the Venusian atmosphere’s CO2 level is more than 2,557 times greater than the Earth’s. And since the CO2 in the Earth’s atmosphere is increasing by only about 2 parts per million annually, our planet is hardly being venus-ized (1).”

    It is important to point out that Gore’s argument on this day did not focus on Venus whatsoever but more so on President Obama’s stimulus package and the undeniable changes on the Earth’s surface due to global warming that have already been seen.  In contrast to Milloy’s belief that Gore simply thinks global warming is a problem because of Venus, he actually starts his comments on this particular topic by saying, “to start with the broadest overview”.  While Milloy thinks Gore’s comparison between Earth and Venus is worth a “burst of outright laughter” because Venus’ atmosphere is 97 percent CO2 while Earth’s is 0.038 percent, those statistics miss the point. This specific comparison is just to point out that Venus and Earth are the same size with the same amount of carbon. Most of this carbon for Earth is in the soil, as Gore points out, while Venus’ remain in the atmosphere – but that is the very point. It is not Venus’ relation to the sun that makes it so hot, it is the CO2. Gore never says that Earth will turn into another Venus, he says that this is an example of the danger of pulling so much carbon out of the Earth and leaving it in our atmosphere. Although it will never reach the 855 degree temperatures of other planets, any degree change on Earth makes it more and more difficult for human civilizations to prosper.

    Sadly, this type of exaggeration on the part of certain writers and critics to make our foremost leaders seem foolish and overly alarming, is one of the ways the media is misleading the public and keeping a number of the population in the dark about the severity of global warming as a whole and their part in contributing to it. How can any laws be put into effect to save the planet if there are still humans on the planet that believe nothing is wrong? This is magnified when scientific-like documents come out in support of opinions like Milloy and confuse the public even more.

    One such document involves James Hansen, “one of former Vice President Al Gore’s closest allies in the promotion of man-made global warming fears (Morano 1).” Coming out just two days before Milloy’s opinion piece on foxnews.com, Marc Morano’s post on the U.S. Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works website, talks about retired senior NASA atmospheric scientist Dr. John S. Theon and his embarrassment over Hansen’s global warming claims. As quoted in the article Theon states, “I appreciate the opportunity to add my name to those who disagree that global warming is man-made.” The document itself goes on to say that, “according to satellite data, the Earth has cooled since Gore’s film (An Inconvenient Truth, 2006) was released, Antarctic sea ice extent has grown to record levels, sea level has slowed, and ocean temperatures have failed to warm (2).” It even quotes one of their own “ranking members”, Senator James Inhofe, as saying, “Vice President Gore’s and the other promoters of man-made climate fears’ endless claims that the ‘debate is over’ appear to be ignoring scientific reality (2).”

    It is difficult to comprehend where this information is coming from other than perhaps scientists paid off by the previous administration to come up with faulty science in order for the corporate bigwigs to get heftier paychecks. As pointed out in Gore’s speech, the ten hottest years on record have been in the last 11 years.  As common sense would tell us: a few extra cold winter days does not a remedy make. It does not take one of Gore’s slide shows to prove that the ice caps have been melting in record time, it only takes eyes. What Gore’s speech does provide is factual evidence of what’s going on. An example is his mention of Professor Wieslaw Maslowski, at the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, who has calculated that there is an 80 percent chance the entire North Polar Ice Cap will be completely gone in less than five years. To further understand this, he explains that “as it disappears, the Arctic Ocean begins to absorb enormous quantities of heat, and that causes a series of dramatic changes.”

    One of these changes is the level of CO2 in the atmosphere. The frozen ground around the Arctic Ocean contains roughly the same amount of carbon as is in the atmosphere right now. Another important factor this segues into is Greenland, an area that has already had its share of melting. If this continues, it could raise the sea level by 20 feet. And these are just a few examples of the immense problems that could occur from the lack of acknowledging global warming.

    Referring back to Milloy’s article after this seems almost comical in the same vein as his sarcastic references to Gore’s speech. While he clearly wants the reader to take him seriously on a topic, that if true could destroy civilization as we know it if precautions are not taken, he makes propaganda-like remarks such as ending his article with “Venus envy? Yeah, why not? There’s no Al Gore there (2).” After quoting Gore as saying we are near a tipping point beyond which human civilization isn’t possible on this planet, Milloy counters by saying “such melodrama is necessary to conceal and distract from the fact that there is no scientific evidence indicating that man-made emissions of CO2 are having any detectable impact, much less any harm, on the Earth’s climate or its population (2).” Indeed, Rasmussen Reports conducted a poll last month in which it found 48% of Democrats felt global warming was a “very serious problem” compared with only 19% of Republicans and 25% of unaffiliated voters. And while 51% of Democrats said global warming is man-made, 66% of Republicans and 47% of unaffiliated adults disagreed. 

Yet this somehow begs the question: if global warming is not a problem and not at all man-made why would we have things like th Kyoto Protocol? Why would would we even consider adding additional taxes to solve the problem of greenhouse gases? If everything was fine the way it is today, there would be no discussion of cutting back on emissions or creating electric cars. In order to debate any of the solutions, we must agree on the problem. In 2007, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change concluded that there is a “66 to 90 percent probability on a scale the panel adopted – that human activity accounted for the warming recorded over the past 50 years (Eilperin 1).” Gerald Meehl, a senior scientist at the National Center for Atmospheric Research also mentions that, “the message is, it does make a difference what we do.” If human beings are not responsible whatsoever for the condition of the planet, exhaust fumes would be fine, plastic bags would be great, and keeping the cell phone charger plugged in for days wouldn’t be a problem. Fortunately, many know this to not be the case.
 
Milloy’s argument, exclusively playing off Gore’s Venus comment, was officially published on January 29, 2009, one day after Al Gore’s speech to senate about the solution to “dumping 70 million tons of global warming pollution into the thin shell of atmosphere surrounding our planet (3).” It appears that perhaps we should be focusing our time and energy on that part of the speech. Debating whether or not a single phrase was the appropriate thing to say out of a speech that contained gruesome news for the planet if we are not to take it seriously, only makes the article look more like propoganda and puts the public’s focus on the wrong part of the situation. If Milloy was certain it was not man made problems adding to this serious world plight, maybe he could have tried to explain the pattern of severe weather in the past few years. “In the last 30 years, there have been four times more annual weather-related disasters than in the previous 75, and the trend is continuing (Gore 8).” This has been echoed by countless scientists and seen with our own eyes during the devastation in New Orleans and the many severe storms in other parts of the world where thousands have died and many cities are not yet put back together.
 
Even to a person who knows little about science, the facts are in order and perhaps even to a person who does not believe the statistics, the visual proof is either outside your door or on the internet with endless photographs of melting glaciers and hurricane ruins. To continue pretending we are not a part of the problem is to continue the destruction of a planet so essential to our lives, it like our own bodies. There are very few times in this life that one is able to be a hero and suprisingly, everyone has a chance to save the planet – it just has to be clear and known. Articles attacking one aspect of a bigger picture are not helping themselves, their families, or anyone else. This can go on no longer.